


the art of loving a dying boy

by selenedaydreams



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: 5 Times, Angst, Death Is Metaphorical, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-19
Updated: 2016-01-19
Packaged: 2018-05-14 23:50:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5763643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/selenedaydreams/pseuds/selenedaydreams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His death has always been inevitable, clinging to him will not bring him back. Cherish instead the fleeting time you have together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the art of loving a dying boy

**Author's Note:**

> Just an exploratory piece of the metaphorical death of Ben Solo and some insight into his troubled childhood since it is canon that Snoke had been watching and influencing him from a very young age.

  1. **Be louder than the screaming voices inside his head.**



 

“He scares me.”

There is no context, and none is necessary, because when Poe looks into Ben’s eyes, blown wide in fear, his first reaction is to pull him against his chest and kiss his hair. It seems to do the trick, at least for now. Poe can feel the boy in his arms relaxing and it makes breathing just a little easier.

“They’re just voices.” Poe says, as if he has any idea what he is talking about. “They can’t hurt you.”

“They tell me to do bad things.”

Jedi Masters, the force, they still elude Poe no matter how much emphasis teachers put on them. Sometimes it feels a little too good to be true. He understands the basics: Jedi Masters are good and meant to protect people while Sith Lords wreak havoc on the galaxy and must be stopped.

Still, none of that means that he understands what Ben is going through. At just seven years old he’s already having to shoulder the weight of the world, having to rise up to expectations too big for him to reach, and when he inevitably crashes, Poe is there to pick up the pieces.

“Don’t listen to them.”

“ _I can’t.”_

“Then focus on my voice. Listen to me.” He’s holding him almost desperately then. “It’s just you and me. Just you and me.”

 

  1. **Be his beacon of hope and goodness, tether him into the light.**



 

The shadows under his eyes grow more prominent, a stark contrast against his pale skin making him look smaller, (look scared).

Poe doesn’t say anything at first, doesn’t question the fact that Ben seems to be spending more and more time reading the books hidden on the top shelves in the very back of the library.

He mentions his grandfather more often too and it looks like a good sign. Poe doesn’t know much about Ben’s grandfather, or the Skywalker family either, for that matter. All he knows is that General Organa is the best at her job and her brother is one of the greatest Jedi Masters that ever lived.

Sometimes it borders on an obsession though. Poe’s stopped counting the number of times he’s found Ben asleep on the floor of the library, his fingers clutching an old book.

That’s when Poe takes him by the hand and pulls him outside. Pulls him out of the dark shadows and into the warm, afternoon sun.

They lay out on the soft grass staring up at the sky as Poe talks, telling him about all the Starfighters he will fly when he’s old enough and painting pictures about all the adventures they are going to have.

“Best friends forever, right?” Poe asks. He’s still holding Ben’s hand.

“Always.”

There’s no hesitation in Ben’s answer, only pure, raw honesty and for a moment, Poe allows himself to pretend that everything is okay. The smile Ben flashes him certainly helps too.

 

  1. **Kiss away his tears and soothe away his fears.**



 

Poe has seen him cry before over scraped knees and broken toys and yet, he’s never seen him cry like this.

Ben’s cheeks are red and splotchy, his eyes glazed over with tears that are still flowing. There is nothing beautiful about it.

They’re still just children, just two kids trying to navigate the world but Poe has to admit that he feels completely out of his element right now. All he can do is hold him close and kiss away this tears. Ben’s hands continue to stay fisted in his shirt, almost as if he’s terrified of being left alone.

As if Poe would ever leave him.

“Talk to me.” Poe schools his voice into a soothing tone, hoping that it would work now because the last two times he had made the same request, Ben had only hiccupped and sobbed harder. “Please.”

“I hear it- _I feel it again._ ” There’s a pause. “It’s calling me.”

“Who?”

Ben tries to speak, tries to force the words out but the only thing that comes out is another broken sob before Poe is pulling him against his chest again.

 

  1. **Remember the limits of humanity.**



 

Rejection is a terrible burden that no child should have to bear.

But life is cruel and unfair and Poe is forced to relearn what it’s like to sleep alone.

Loneliness suffocates him, pressing against him like a heavy weight and making him wonder what he had done to drive Ben away. His mother had always told him that love only brings people closer.

They still eat together sometimes but it’s not the same.

Ben is cold and distant, watching him through calculated eyes that are missing the light Poe had fallen in love with.

When they play Sabacc it’s no longer for fun, it’s all about winning and it’s the first time Poe is ever afraid of his best friend.

“Why can’t you take anything seriously?” Ben snaps, slamming the game off the table and making Poe jump in his seat.

There’s a flash of guilt in his eyes that somehow makes everything worse because it gives Poe hope. “It’s just a game.”

“That’s your answer to everything. “ Ben scoffs and he’s already getting up to leave. “How do expect to make anything of yourself if you can’t take things seriously?”

Poe feels his heart break at the exact moment Ben throws a look of disdain over his shoulder before leaving.

 

  1. **His death has always been inevitable, clinging to him will not bring him back.**



 

There is still hope in their final goodbye.

Poe holds him as close as possible, pressing frantic kisses to his forehead and cheeks and a lingering one to his lips.

In that moment, Ben looks at him with something akin to love. It’s distant though, and it’s with a sinking feeling Poe realizes that it was actually ‘I could have loved you’.

It’s an almost.

It’s how Poe grows to detest the word almost, challenging himself to do doing nothing by halves. All or nothing becomes his motto.

General Organa calls him reckless, a danger to himself, and yet she’s never tried to stop him.

The cover story is that she remains silent because he’s the best pilot in the resistance, the whole galaxy too maybe, but the truth is that she feels partially responsible.

He won’t completely endanger his life though, at least not to the point where he would be putting himself in any serious danger. Just enough to feel the adrenaline pumping through his veins and stopping his brain from wondering to memories that should never see the light of day again.

He refuses to make General Organa mourn the death of another son.

He lives on, learns to thrive, relearns to smile too but it always falters when he sees the leader of the First Order.

Death may have been inevitable but no one warned him of the ghosts that follow.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr @mallcolmducasse.


End file.
